after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
