jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
