I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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