How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am available for nakedness
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
