i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
