my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
should my penis look like a turkey
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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