He had one of those small greek statue penises
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
