i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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