I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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