At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Another day, another engagement, another cat
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
