I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
