Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
