That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
