yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Randomize
