dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
