I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
