Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
