She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
