I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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