i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
