I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
