Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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