Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what day is it and did you see me today?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
