Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
