overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
