The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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