no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
