Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
