return my video game
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
