so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
