he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
