i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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