I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
