I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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