You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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