I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
