Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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