Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
