Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
