he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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