My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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