And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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