i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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