Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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