im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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