Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
