I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
