Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
