Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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