I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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