can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
