I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
