Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We had to coat check the pizza.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
