i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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