He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
