It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
